It started 2 years ago… September 2011… a belief for something impossible. A hope that was so deep I couldn’t shake it off. I had mountains of promises from You I thought, to back up what I was believing for. And though it was too ridiculous to tell people about, I hoped against all hope and believed in silence. I was in my prayer closet. Proclaiming Your promises. Remembering all the dreams and visions. But nothing like it has been done before, at least not the way I am envisioning it nor the time frame this is going to take if it were to come true. “Am I losing my mind”? And yet I believed… I believed in the most stubborn way, most crazy faith… to the very end.
But I was wrong… at least as far as the timing was concerned. Where did I miss the boat? “How could God hurt my faith so badly? Why didn’t He tell me upfront that my timing was off?” Here I thought You wanted me to run into my destiny and meet all Your promises and watch all those dreams and visions become reality, but I was actually running to the altar where You’d want me to lay it all down…to die. And die it all did. For a full year I let all hopes die, knowing You’d come and raise them from the dead like you promised through yet another dream. But my faith was bruised. My hopes were dashed…. those crazy hopes that were at level 10! They crashed all the way to ground zero. My head knows better… You don’t hurt me, You don’t deceive me. Yet my heart felt different. In fact my heart was bleeding tears, for that full year, faith so shaken. “Maybe after all I don’t know how to hear God. Maybe afterall, He never spoke. But those dreams? Those visions in the night or while in prayer… I know I didn’t make them up”.
Yes, it is obvious You came along just recently and indeed raised my dreams from the dead. It is obvious the season has changed. My faith is alive and well. Your promises are still constantly dancing inside of me and I can’t shake them off even if I tried. But if last time I hardly told anyone what I was believing for… this time all the more I can’t tell anyone. In case I am wrong again… because the new circumstances make it so that this is crazier to believe for. This is more unheard-of yet. The time frame would be even more ridiculous if it were accomplished. And even if it were accomplished… why me? What is the Kingdom purpose behind all this? And how can I explain the impossible? How do you explain the supernatural? Because it can only be accomplished supernaturally as you already said it would be. So I have been protecting my heart (from You). I don’t want (You) to hurt me again and bruise my faith. I am playing it safe, just in case. I do believe fully, but just in case, I am not taking any chances, I could be wrong again on this whole thing. And I said over and over again… “God, don’t give me anymore promises. I can’t take another dream or vision. I can’t come listen to You anymore because I don’t want to talk about this. It still hurts to know I believed so much and I was off. Let’s not talk about it”. I even hesitated in journaling much anymore so the topic would’t come up. I know You did nothing wrong, Lord. God does not fail humans. God does not wrong His loved ones. Yet my heart felt different. So I protected myself from being shaken again.
But I woke up today with a resolve. This is God I am doubting. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. No more. This is my pact with You. I will abandon this self protection (against God). I am willing to risk it again. What if I am off again? Then so be it. I am going all the way. I am tired of treating all confirmations as a coincidence. I am so fat with Your promises and even if I shut my ears from hearing You, I hear the same words ringing from other sources You choose to use. I can’t escape the hope. It has grown again to level 10. And what if my hopes come crashing again? This time they would splat and drop below ground zero! God, so be it. I am making myself vulnerable before You. Because I believe deep down that there is no part in You that wants to hurt me. You did not wrong me. I was off and I am willing to be off again. But I trust You. I believe this time it is what I believed for… and I smile. I remember all secrets we shared. All the daydreaming we did together. I wasn’t alone in it all and I am not this time either. I am dreaming together with You and I believe I am dreaming Your dreams. Let the supernatural flow. Give God all the praise upfront, oh, my soul.